Thursday, April 28, 2011

the worst combination...

i was really excited to go to bed last night. hubby was staying at a friends house watching their dog while they're out of town for a couple of days. i thought "YESSSSSS, i get the whole bed to myself!" i couldn't wait to go to bed. i was thinking about how i could watch tv as late as i wanted (without keeping the hubs awake), i could sleep in the middle of the bed all sprawled out, i wouldn't have to hear his alarm go off in the morning, i could sleep in as late as i want.... it was the ingredients for a PERFECT night! we had both hung out in temecula during the day, and it was superrrrrrr hot. by the time i got home, i was tired from the heat and sun, and considered taking a nap at 5:30pm, but decided if i skipped a nap, then i'd sleep extra good last night. so bedtime approaches and i take a quick, hot shower. i'm relaxed and ready to get in bed and watch tv (i ended up watching 2 episodes of my so-called life. hehe). i messed around online for awhile (yep, had the laptop in bed. so what?! it was MY bed for the night.). around 11:45pm, i decided i should turn everything off and try to go to sleep. i was expecting to fall right to sleep, since i had been so tired earlier. i was wrong. if you know me at all outside of the internet world, you might know that i'm an anxious person. i'm actually a HIGH anxiety person. (if i'm feeling brave, i'll tell you more about that another time). i worry about everything. big things. little things. stupid things. non-existant things. everything. well, combine that with the fact that i'm probably (although undiagnosed by a professional) a hypochondriac. that is definitely the worst combination in the world... and results in a very sleepless night. my 'perfect night' was about to be ruined :( i was laying in bed and felt a small cramp/pain in my lower abdomen. (i had surgery in nov. 2009 to remove some cysts from my ovaries, and to get rid of endometriosis - i felt this cramp/pain in the same area as my ovaries). so i subconsciously convinced myself that i had ovarian/uterine cancer. i also have recently noticed a weird (i dunno how to describe it) area around my ribs. i try to tell myself that it could just be scar tissue from my 2009 surgery, or scar tissue from my boob surgery in 2001, or maybe it's just a muscle or tendon that moves weird. well, last night when i diagnosed myself with ovarian/uterine cancer, i also diagnosed this weird rib thing as a tumor. so here i am, home alone, laying in bed with all this cancer and tumors eating me alive. then the anxiety kicks in, and i can't make it stop. i laid awake in bed for more than an hour thinking about my new illnesses. these are just some of my thoughts last night. i caused the uterine/ovarian problems from using the laptop on my lap. the radiation from the computer has definitely caused this cancer. right?! what kind of cancer treatments would i get? chemo? should i shave my head before my hair falls out on its own? i'll have to get some big earrings and wear makeup so that people know i'm a girl when i'm at the grocery store. IF i survive the cancer, when my hair starts growing back in, i should do a mohawk for a little while. i've always wanted a mohawk. i wonder what hubs will think of me with a shaved head. how will we pay for all of the medical bills? my insurance right now is kinda crappy, i should probably look into new insurance in the morning. i've heard that cancer feeds on sugar, i'll have to cut sugar out of my diet. that sucks, cause i love chocolate. i still have a big bag of cadbury mini eggs... i don't want those to go to waste, but i also don't want this cancer to get worse. etc, etc, etc. it went on forever. it sucked! it was a pretty restless night. the night that was supposed to be perfect, staying up late, sleeping alone, etc had turned into me wishing hubs was home, and wishing i could fall asleep. maybe i am a little crazy, and that's why i have a fascination with old insane asylums
now if you'll excuse me, i need to go find some youtube videos instructing you how to escape a straight jacket.


  1. That sounds like me every night! I do the same thing! My sis is waaaay worse than me though! She is a hypochondriac for sure! Mmm.... cadbury mini eggs...

  2. i swear we are the same person!!!! i am the exact same way... do you take meds for yours? i have to because mine is so bad... i had the biggest anxiety attack the other night over paul removing the pictures from our walls.... i am not so much of a hypochondriac anymore since i've had kids but now it's about them and everything else... any sort of change sends me in a downward spiral!!!! it's awful!!!! i hate it! i do it until i puke!!!